Dear Internet, let’s have some real talk here. How do you approach someone you’d like to get to know better? Do you A: Walk up to them and introduce yourself, B: Wait for your friend to get out of the bathroom so you don’t have to approach a new person alone, or C: Wait until they have their back turned and grab the butt of a complete stranger without any prompting.
If you answered A, congratulations, you know how to interact with normal humans. If you answered B, then you and I would probably be good friends. If you answered C, then you may just be an a—hole. Please remove yourself from this webpage and look for somewhere else you can make friends.
Maybe look for people who have some of your interests, C-answerers. In fact, I hear there’s a comprehensive list of people and who share your hobbies available online. The list even shows where they all live. I believe it’s called the “National Sex Offender Public Website.” Enjoy.
Krystal Olsen, a bartender in Arizona, recently met a C-answerer while she was working. There she was, minding her own business when the guy crept up on her like the world’s shadiest shark. What happened to Krystal is unfortunate, but what’s awesome is how she handled it.
After taking him down in a way so crazy awesome I wish someone had it on video, Krystal stood over him watching as the Head of Security snapped an impromptu photo of the guy. Evidently, he thought Krystal was pretty awesome too because he forwarded her the photo.
Yeah, that’s him. Handcuffed on the ground crying as Krystal stands over him like a BAMF. Well Krystal posted the photo, along with a recap of events and the news “don’t mess with Krystal” spread like wildfire across the interweb. So far the responses on Twitter have been mostly positive, and many are impressed with how Krystal handled the situation.
Many commentators have praised Krystal for acting so quickly, or asked if she was okay or mentioned the benefits of women having self-defense training. Others were parents with hopeful wishes about their future daughters being just as awesome.
However, it is Twitter, so not everyone has been quite so supportive. Amidst celebratory cheers, the dreaded manfenders have stepped up to give voice to those society all too often ignores, sex offenders. Yes, men are here, now we can finally hear some reason in the conversation! With amazing insights like, “I have a hard time agreeing that’s an assault,” by Tommy Allan, or Lil Bobby Blade announcing “IDK” before launching into his opinion anyway.
“Idk. I just don’t agree with choking and sending someone to jail because they touched you once. I understand that he shouldn’t have done it.” The hidden word there, of course, is ‘just.’ “JUST because they touched you once.” But there are other pressing things to address in this statement.
Hey Lil Bobby Blade, I have some text speak 101 to teach you about. You see, ‘IDK’ is actually an acronym meaning ‘I don’t know.’ So if you ‘DK’ maybe you shouldn’t be acting like you ‘K.’ Let’s say you walk into a classroom and the teacher says, “Hey guys, 2 plus 2 equals 4.” Would you then respond with, “Idk. I just don’t agree that 2 plus 2 equals 4 because when I smash the numbers together it looks like a little fishy. I realize that’s not how math works.”
“Well thanks for your input Lil Bobby Blade,” says the teacher as she dials the number for the nearest psychiatric assistance center. But it’s amazing how many men agree with his words. Various others have spoken up believing that Krystal overreacted, or that what the man did doesn’t really count as assault.
To that I say, allow me to ask you this. Would you think the same if this happened in a grocery store? Would you think the same if this happened not at a bartender’s place of work, but at a corporate executive’s place of work? What if instead of her butt he grabbed her breast? Where do you draw the line men of the internet?
The truth is that despite having been around for decades, there is still a lot of false information out there about what sexual assault is, and what feminism actually means. The biggest problem has got to be though, that because these are lessons you only learn socially and not in a formal educational setting, many people never seek out the answers themselves and remain behind a veil of ignorance.
Not that this stops them from loudly sharing their opinion with the world. Because, I mean, why would it? Just because you know nothing about a particular topic doesn’t mean you might not be on to something unique and brilliant that no one else has ever thought of before in the history of the world. “That’s interesting Mr. Hawking, but may I just add, what if the stars are so far away because they got lost on their way to Quizno’s?”
Seriously though, feminism has long had a bad rep, and the internet isn’t really helping. In response to the recent wave of pro-feminism media, many men have fought back in the belief that their rights are being trampled and their voices stifled. I have to ask though, when I google ‘feminism images’ I get just as many- if not more, memes railing against feminism than I do memes supporting it. So in what way is your voice being stifled, exactly?
Especially since most arguments against feminism either come from a fundamental lack of understanding about what feminism is, or aren’t really arguments at all but excuses to make fun of women with glasses and short hair. Short hair? What blasphemy.
The truth is, despite the complex jargon surrounding the issue, the actual dictionary definition of Feminism is simply, “the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.” It just means equality. It does not mean women will destroy all men and then move out to Themyscira with Wonder Woman and the Amazons.
Yet many men- and some women too in fact, continue to believe that feminism is ruining the country, and that men’s voices are being stifled. Please allow me a moment to consider that theory while I look at the 80% majority white male congress and our current president and laugh-cry under this blanket.
But here’s what I’ve never understood. Everything that happens now will eventually be history. Many people take that to mean that it doesn’t matter, but what it actually means is what side do you want to say you were on? In the future, if you happen to have kids, do you want to tell your 6 year-old daughter that when a man grabbed a woman’s butt on the internet- you took the butt-grabber’s side?
Because his right to grab her butt was more important than her right to feel safe leaving her house? Do you judge your grandparents when they still use the word “colored?” Do you want to look back and remember that you took the side of the people thought equal pay was too much trouble to implement?
I know, “it’s more nuanced than that,” you may be thinking. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But in our last Presidential election we voted in a man who would probably agree with Lil Bobby Blade and Tommy Allan. A man who is on record saying, “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?”
Here’s the thing guys, you can slice it a million different ways, but in the end you may just be missing the point. Feminism is not about attacking men, it is not about taking anything away from men. When women demand equal pay, they are not asking for half of your paycheck in order to make up the difference. When women say they want a voice, they are not telling you that you’re never allowed to talk again.
It’s not about telling all men they all suck. It’s just hard sometimes to resist saying that when you’ve spent the entire day being talked over at work, catcalled as you walk down the street to get coffee, groped on the train on your way home, told to smile by some stranger after you just spent an hour in the bathroom feeling like crap because of the catcalling incident.
Then when the day is done you seek solace on the internet, only to have Lil Bobby Blade tell you that maybe you shouldn’t have attacked that guy because sure he was completely in the wrong, but he should get away with it anyway just because IDK.
The thing is, men need feminism just as much as women do. It’s true. Yes, men currently have the gender advantage, but that doesn’t mean that the favors it grants are all necessarily good. I mean, that higher pay thing is definitely a winner, but there’s other stuff going on as well.
But what about when little boys get teased on the playground for wearing the color pink? What about when as adults men are told that emotions make them weak? That liking When Harry met Sally . . . more than Die Hard is something to be ashamed of? Tearing down the rules made up by old white dudes about how men and women are supposed to behave is not just beneficial to women, but beneficial to everyone.
So if you want to help, then sit back and enjoy a refresher course on how to interact with women. Believe it or not, there’s no special handbook, and all the rules are identical with how to interact with men. Also, if you have trouble finding a class, don’t worry because all these lessons are available for free at your local preschool.
First off: Wait your turn. Yes indeedy-o, don’t talk over other people, it’s rude and no one likes it. Also, remember to share! After all, it’s not fair if Billy gets three fourths of the cookie and Lisa only gets a quarter! Oh and class, hold on a second because there’s one more rule. It’s an important one so pay attention. What was that rule again? Oh yes, I remember now, keep your hand the F—K TO YOURSELF.
Yep. That’s the rule. It’s right up there on the bulletin board between today’s snack menu and the naptime schedule. Perhaps the dude who tried to grab Krystal without her permission was sleeping during this particular lesson, but luckily he opted to take the ‘hands-on’ version of the course later in life.
Yes, I am a woman and I don’t think it’s wrong to not want strange men grabbing me, or to be listened to in a group setting and paid the same amount as my peers. But I also have 4 brothers and am tired of hearing others tell them “don’t be a girl,” whenever they feel like collecting cars in Grand Theft Auto rather than shooting people in the face and blowing up police cars. To which I say quietly to myself, “that’s not an insult.” Incidentally, this is exactly what my brother said to his friend, out loud, and to his face. Feminism is for everyone, it’s what ‘equality’ means.
