This Girl’s Hilarious Rant About Why Sunfish Are Awful Was Shut Down By A Marine Biologist

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Scout Burns posted a rant to her Facebook listing all the reasons she hated the “complete failure of evolution” sunfish. Then a marine biologist responded.

Last Saturday Scout Burns posted on Facebook about her hatred of the sunfish (otherwise known as Mola mola) and it went super viral.

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So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I serious…

The rant – which you’ve probably seen if you spend much time on Facebook – listed myriad reasons why the sunfish is actually “the biggest joke played on Earth”.

They included: the sunfish’s “useless” heavy body which can weigh up to 2,250kg (5,000 pounds), their lack of swim bladders (which fish generally need to control their buoyancy so that they don’t rise to the ocean’s surface), and the fact that they’re not even considered food by predators, which instead choose to chew off their fins to play with, for fun.

For the record, here’s some footage of a sunfish. As you can see, they’re… certainly something.

Burns’ rant on the “worthless” sunfish was shared almost 75,000 times and has almost 70,000 likes on Facebook.

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Burns’ rant on the “worthless” sunfish was shared almost 75,000 times and has almost 70,000 likes on Facebook.

And Tumblr also erupted – both with praise and damnation – over Burns’ hatred of sunfish.

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Then someone changed the sunfish Wikipedia page to say millions of sunfish had voted for Donald Trump.

Someone edited the wikipedia page.

Posted by Scout Burns on Mittwoch, 8. Februar 2017

And, uh… someone made this too.

Someone spent the time making this.

Posted by Scout Burns on Montag, 6. Februar 2017

However, not everyone was thrilled with Burns’ shutdown of the sunfish. David Masad, a computational social scientist, asked a marine biologist friend what they thought about the sunfish rant. The response is …intense.

“That dude [dude] has no idea what he’s talking about!” begins the retort. According to the marine biologist, any animal that eats mainly jellyfish is helping the environment, because overfishing of the ocean has led to a huge increase in the amount of the squidgy jelly animals.

Then the whole rant is fact-checked. Sunfish aren’t drifters, and are active swimmers, controlling where they go with as much thrust as a penguin. “Not bad for a 5,000 pound fish head with wings.”

Also, a bunch of fish lack swim bladders, not just sunfish, which also have two sets of teeth (pretty cool). The final challenge relates to Burns calling sunfish “clueless as fuck.”

“The fact that ocean sunfish utilise birds to rid them of parasites is actually quite clever,” says the biologist. Sunfish have also been proven to have learning behaviours, meaning they can adapt to their surroundings (also smart).”

The biologist concludes by saying Burns is “just a hateful, ill-informed, little (especially when compared to a sunfish) man [sic]”.

Oh, and there’s also a RESOURCE LIST of sources.

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BuzzFeed News has contacted Scout Burns for a response to this intense and elaborate shutdown.

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